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Read it and Weep

Oct 16, 2014

Left Behind is an inexplicable remake of the 2000 Kirk Cameron stinker, and the latest in a series of Hollywood's half-assed movies for the religious right that feature bumbling atheists learning tough lessons at the hands of intellectually and morally superior evangelicals. Like Christian music, the actual quality of the performance is less important than every single line being about Jesus, and in that, this Left Behind succeeds magnificently.

If you're not familiar with the concept, Left Behind imagines a world in which God discovers a manufacturing defect in all of the evangelical Christians (which here represent a far, far higher percentage of humanity than in real life) and magically recalls them all to Heaven, leaving behind piles of neatly folded clothes and a bunch of tense arguments. Moments after all the boring religious people disappear, the entire world falls into chaos! Cars crash, planes fall out of the sky, and every single atheist (and Muslim and Catholic and non-apocalyptic Christian) immediately starts looting. Like the only thing holding us back from stealing TVs is the mere presence of religious nuts. That's pretty much the whole thing. Meet some dumb characters, oh look! a pile of clothes!, looting and havoc, the end.