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Read it and Weep

Jul 20, 2011

Do you like robots smashing into each other for 2.5 hours? You're going to love Transformers 3. Do you like a comprehendible plot, likeable leads, and anything that isn't robots smashing into each other for 2.5 hours? You're going hate Transformers 3.

We're not in None-More-Worse-Territory, but we might be in None-More-WTF-land. (It is a fertile land, one where the Michael Bays roam free without fear of encountering logic.)

Luckily, we have Andrew Johnson of Movie Chatter fame to help shoulder the load.

The movie features the return of Shia LaBeouf's Sam Witwicky, a sweaty, jittery little guy who somehow ditched Megan Fox and got a hotter, blonder, British-er version in Michael Bay's new pin-up, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Sam also has a talking robot space car. And a medal from Obama.

We're supposed to feel sorry for him because he can't find a job, his talking robot space car is too busy killing terrorist to hang with him, and Patrick Dempsey is cozying up to his new Megan Fox. It doesn't matter. Their petty relationship bullcrap is put on hold by the Autobots fightings the Decipticons... again. Also Leonard Nimoy is a Transformer now. And Buzz Aldrin is Buzz Aldrin.

There are some fun side characters (Alan Tudyk! John Malkovich! John Turturro!) but at the end of the day, it's a lot of robots wailing on each other and the third worst part of Indiana Jones 4 running around screaming. You could do worse with your time, but you could do a whole lot better.